学习不做一个胆小鬼

‘Vivien, don’t be too hard on yourself..’ I remembered a friend saying this to me 4 years ago. I didn’t ponder much about this statement which this friend made until recently.

I guess with life experiences over the years, especially with my role as the main caregiver to my mother, I have developed a belief system which I discover might not be helpful sometimes.

A belief system which tells me that I need to be strong for others;

A belief system which tells me that as a mature adult we have roles and responsibilities which we need to fulfill irregardless of how we feel inside;

I realized that while I have no qualms about letting the tears flow in public such as buses, MRT or parks where I am surrounded by strangers, tears don’t usually come forth easily when I am surrounded by people whom I know. Interestingly, a colleague of mine also made this observation and highlighted it to me today.

This reflection and conversation has come about from my recent feelings about covering other’s backside and my mother’s recent hospitalization. It seems that putting a strong front has become my coping in times of sadness and pain.

Even as I was reflecting, I realize that it takes a lot out of the person to talk about pain or their pain experiences as pain is not something that we are comfortable with. Perhaps we are afraid of the possible impact on others or their possible reaction when they see our tears and vulnerability.

God seems to be teaching me during this difficult period……

To be comfortable with being vulnerable in front of others;

To be comfortable with my tears when I am with people I know as I get in touch with the sadness and pain inside;

To be comfortable with not being strong all the time, to admit that I cannot take it anymore and to feel ok about it;

It is only when I become comfortable with my own vulnerability, sadness, pain and tears, will I truly be comfortable with the vulnerability, sadness and pain of others when it surfaces and truly be there for them.

Just like what God has said about loving our neighbors as ourselves, as we learn to love ourselves by attending to our feelings, especially feelings we are generally uncomfortable with such as sadness and pain, we will learn to love others in their sadness and pain instead of minimizing what they are going through and the pain they experience.