学习不做一个胆小鬼

‘Vivien, don’t be too hard on yourself..’ I remembered a friend saying this to me 4 years ago. I didn’t ponder much about this statement which this friend made until recently.

I guess with life experiences over the years, especially with my role as the main caregiver to my mother, I have developed a belief system which I discover might not be helpful sometimes.

A belief system which tells me that I need to be strong for others;

A belief system which tells me that as a mature adult we have roles and responsibilities which we need to fulfill irregardless of how we feel inside;

I realized that while I have no qualms about letting the tears flow in public such as buses, MRT or parks where I am surrounded by strangers, tears don’t usually come forth easily when I am surrounded by people whom I know. Interestingly, a colleague of mine also made this observation and highlighted it to me today.

This reflection and conversation has come about from my recent feelings about covering other’s backside and my mother’s recent hospitalization. It seems that putting a strong front has become my coping in times of sadness and pain.

Even as I was reflecting, I realize that it takes a lot out of the person to talk about pain or their pain experiences as pain is not something that we are comfortable with. Perhaps we are afraid of the possible impact on others or their possible reaction when they see our tears and vulnerability.

God seems to be teaching me during this difficult period……

To be comfortable with being vulnerable in front of others;

To be comfortable with my tears when I am with people I know as I get in touch with the sadness and pain inside;

To be comfortable with not being strong all the time, to admit that I cannot take it anymore and to feel ok about it;

It is only when I become comfortable with my own vulnerability, sadness, pain and tears, will I truly be comfortable with the vulnerability, sadness and pain of others when it surfaces and truly be there for them.

Just like what God has said about loving our neighbors as ourselves, as we learn to love ourselves by attending to our feelings, especially feelings we are generally uncomfortable with such as sadness and pain, we will learn to love others in their sadness and pain instead of minimizing what they are going through and the pain they experience.

爱上跑步和公园里的秋千

哇。。。已经有一段时间没在网上日记里留言了。。最近比较忙，忙到连小学生写给我的信件，我都没法在预定的时间里回复。一个星期内都需要到几间中小学去。要加油哦！

三个星期前，我开始天天早上5点起床，刷牙洗脸，穿上运动鞋，跑步去了。每次都会不间断的跑上45分钟。虽然流了一身的汗，可是都会觉得很精神，很开心，很健康。=)

有时早上睡不醒的时候，我就会改成在傍晚8点的时候跑步。Hehe…=P

我发现我爱上了跑步时的感觉，还有跑步是可能碰到的际遇。跑步的时候，看到路上也有一些志同道合的人在跑步，是一种鼓励；跑步跑到一半，突然有个小女孩怦怦跳跳地跑出来抱住你，是一种又有趣又好笑的惊喜。Haha…

还有跑步时经过的小公园里，有我喜欢的秋千。有一次还碰上了两位小朋友，跟他们一起当起秋千来，感觉就好像自己回到了快乐的童年。就好像Shuhui在她送给我的纸飞机上这样写着- ‘Little Vivien stopped work one day, out on a walk and off to play. She saw the flats that brought her back to her childhood when nothing was sad.’ 那时候，我和Shuhui在工作的附近散步，看着一座座的组屋，让我回想起小时候总会对每一个家里的人与设计感到好奇。

When I read the dedication segment in the book ‘The Little Prince’, I can’t help but laugh at its brilliance. It says:

TO LEON WERTH

I ask children to forgive me for dedicating this book to a grown-up. I have a serious excuse: this grown-up is the best friend I have in the world. I have another excuse: this grown-up can understand everything, even books for children. I have a third excuse: he lives in France where he is hungry and cold. He needs to be comforted. If all these excuses are not enough, then I want to dedicate this book to the child whom this grown-up once was. All grown-ups were children first. (But few of them remember it.) So I correct my dedication:

TO LEON WERTH
WHEN HE WAS A LITTLE BOY